Cigarette

She stood there, huddled in her coat against the cold, cupping one hand over the cigarette held firmly between her lips. Her other hand pulling up from her side held a blue Bic lighter; she lit the cigarette and pulled hard on it. Her eyes closed as she thought about the past, present, and future. Things would be changing, but they were always changing. ‘Why did life have to be like this?’ She thought to herself. No answer made itself clear.

It was rare that she had time to herself like this. Most nights out people who were deeply interested in her would surround her, but tonight she put out a vibe of aloofness. All her friends danced inside the club, she could see them manically moving to the beats pumping through the large speakers. To her it was like watching an intricately orchestrated choreography of which the creator had no idea what was to come next.

Her mind wondered. There was a couple outside in the cold with her. They stood closely to each other underneath a patio space heater. It wasn’t that cold out she thought, but that could have just been the alcohol keeping her warm at this point. Her thoughts started muddling together.

Love. The word drifted across her mind. She latched onto it with fervor. All she wanted was love. True love, not anything watered down or looked at through some rose tinted glasses. She wanted to feel that feeling that she had heard described so many times before; seen it in movies, read it in books, imagined it since she was just a little girl.

But what is Love? She thought, for some reason the definition was escaping her. She felt she would know it if she had it, but didn’t have it right now. She focused all her concentration on answering that simple question: What is it? She knew it was an undeniable feeling, that it made you do strange things. It made you feel safe, free to be oneself. No matter how you acted, someone who truly loved you would understand. But what did that even mean?

She was beginning to realize that she had no idea what she wanted. She wanted an idea, a concept, something that didn’t exist materially, but she could only conceive of things in a material sense. This night was starting to really get on her nerves. She had just come outside to be alone, around people, and smoke her last cigarette.

Alcohol always seems to ply the mind into deeper thought that can’t be controlled. Perhaps it was time she stopped drinking for the night? This rabbit hole was not worth the effort to travel down. The cigarette burnt her finger as it was reaching the end of its life. She took one more drag off of it and tossed it aside. It was time to rejoin reality and stop introspecting so much.

She walked back inside and joined her friends, flashing a mischievous smile at them as she entered into the complex movements they were creating. She disengaged her brain and just let the music take her away to another place. One where though was not needed, just simple existence was enough for now.

-V-