Confused Feelings

From the journal of Adrian Baldovin dated April 5th, 2010:

Today I woke up and I think it’s finally starting to fade. If you take too long to decide I have to basically turn it off. I’ll respond, but I think I’m done being active… I just need to get through next weekend. If no flame kicks off, then I think it is time to let the embers go out and not bother stoking or blowing on the fire anymore. I’m in such a weird place right now.

I could really teeter either way, if she stopped being cold and just showed me that she actually wants more, I’d go that way. If not, I’m more than likely going to just see her less and less until we don’t really talk. The funny thing is, with life and experience, we start to see these patterns earlier and know when they are coming and how to deal with them.

I mean it’ll still hurt, but at least I know one day it won’t hurt so bad. And as always, I get sucked back in a little. I don’t think she respects her mother all that much, but she informed me that her mother yelled at her for the five minutes claiming that her and I should be together. I don’t know what that means. I just don’t know.

I have no plans to see her, and it feels kind of weird, we usually have a time set up to see each other every day. It’s almost like being lost.

And then I teeter back and forth. Complete willingness to let go, and a diminishing desire to make things work. Who knows, in one week, all might be forgiven or gone. I don’t know if I really care all that much anymore.

I’m going to go back to looking to hang out with random people again. It’s much more fun than trying to deal with this shit. I am really getting tired of every television show I watch coming back to the same situations that I’m currently experiencing. It’s as if the universe won’t let me get away from thinking about it.

I doubt she does nearly this much thinking on it. I wonder who all has put a bug in her ear about me. I know where most of my friends sit. They all think that this is an exercise in futility. I just keep holding on. I saw a glimpse of what could have been. I need to really let go.

Hanging out with Yvonne yesterday would have given me some seriously needed perspective. It’ll happen next week anyways. I need to not think about what’s going on anymore. I need to let go. I need to be myself. I need to figure out where I want to be, and be there. I need to stop needing things. I need to quit trying to figure out what I need.

I think I really just need to read a book and escape what all is going on in my life. I like having it to give me one more non-girl related thing to think about in my life. But that so seldom works. Oh well. We all move on I suppose.

-V-